Published December 16, 2008
She leaves an evil residue
as she creeps down the halls.
Out of the dreadful school,
I'm the one she wants to fall.
She still continues
with her daily life.
To ruin people as they are,
and simply limit their rights.
She's an eigth-grade disaster,
and a pure theif.
Yet, she makes me
sit here and think.
I hate her guts,
even though he doesn't.
She gets my face red with anger
until I realize I shouldn't.
I just can't fight her.
I know it's not right.
But if she keeps this up,
I may just have to try!!!
-Bailey Holcomb
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This is pretty good. I felt the same way in middle school.
Okay, on to the review:
You had a few spelling mistakes, but I am sure that you will find them, and they have already been pointed out. You need to capitilize the first line though in poetry.
Also I found that you had ryhme, except that, some of them sound forced. Take some time to figure it out. I did the exact same thing when I started writing poetry (and still do it now from time to time)
Hey sweet-pea. What a lovely poem you have here, for 13 years old you certainly can write well. Alas, with all things gone and to come, there are flaws. *looks forlorn*
I'll just point some of the more important ones out, 'cos there's not much point in going over it with a fine toothed comb.
First however, I'll say what I liked about this poem. Your poem managed to achieve something very important; atmosphere. A lot of people underestimate it's importance, and their poetry suffers for it. I really got the mood that you were trying to communicate -- kinda sinister and unsettling ^^ nice.
I loved your title too. It was a little bit out of the ordinary and sumptuously vague; crying out to be read. Bravo for that. Your use of language for your age is very mature... No doubt due to reading the dictionary/thesaurus so early on in life, however, consider this: You may be able to learn the meaning of a word from the dictionary/thesaurus but not how it is meant to be used correctly or it's exact semantics. Try reading some mature or classical literature, that way you can see an astounding array of beautiful lexis used how it is meant to be used.
Anyway! On to the critique - huzzah!
OK, right off the bat, we have a pet foible for the young poet. Rhyming for rhyming sake, I do it, Bryon did it ( in his drafts, before he edited them of course
Another confusing little line... It just doesn't work for me. How do you ruin someone, "as they are" ? Surely if you ruin them, they change state and are therefor no longer as they are. Or to be exact as they were... Maybe I'm just being overly pedantic.
She's an eigth-grade disaster,
This line is too short; it muddles up the rhythm. Also thief is spelled incorrectly, though I'm certain that this is a typo...Bloody typos *squints eyes*
An abysmal cliché here. You could try expressing the heat that rises to your face, or a different colour at least - anything else lol.
One other little observation; where did the rhyming structure go? You started with rhymes... Then they just disappeared. Keep'um or leave'um.
If you have any questions, then please PM me - ya?
Very well done again.
Love
Kris
x
Why do girls fight so dirty?? i can totally feel how much you hate this chick, is she real? it must suck to be a girl.
That's just like *writewatiwant* to review here before me. Oh well.
Good job, again and gold star!
I am pretty sure you spelled thief (I spelled it right) wrong. Other than that typo, I liked this stanza the best. It's powerful and you definately say how you feel about her.
hey there!
This is soooooo cute!!!!! *huge smile*
this is a bit confusing since, it's the first time (and last) that you mention a dude [LOL].
Maybe talk about what's between her and him?
My fave:
Keep on the good work!